Village Minutes – March 4th
Regular Monthly Board Meeting
Attendees:
President - Mac Powell
Trustee - John Powell
Trustee - Berta Jenson
Trustee - Dorothy Douglas Gregor
Attorney - Sean Cohen
Village Manager – George McConnell
Public Works - Dave Jenson
Absent : Trustee - Peter Douglas
Meeting called to order 7:02 p.m. with recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance
President Powell: Welcome. Well, another full house tonight huh? Nice to see you all tonight. Trustee Douglas couldn’t make it tonight. But let’s get right to things, seeing how we have a crowd here tonight. Any public comments? Don?
Don Georgenson: Thanks Mac. Hello Mr. McConnell. I would like to apologize for the dog bite, but I can’t. I’m not sure what you expect, when you come snooping around, and such, like a peeping Tom. I understand that Sally Mae is an attractive gal, particularly since she’s had the warts removed from her nose and chin and such. I don’t care what those magazines show, guys like a woman that knows her way around a kitchen and looks like it, and Sally Mae certainly fits that bill. So I know how you may be tempted and such by her womanly wiles, but I’m warning you that I’m a jealous guy and if them dogs didn’t chase you all the way down the block, you might be picking shotgun pellets out of your hindy. I told her to just stay home tonight, so’s not to further inflate your opinions of her and such. You’ll just have to put her out of your mind sir. You don’t need to apologize for getting the dogs all riled up and such. And we had a visit from Sheriff Tater because of the whole thing and such, but that’s okay. I accept your apology, so long as you don’t let it happen again. That’s all I got Mac.
Trustee Powell: What about the tree Don? What are you doing about the tree? As Trustee’s we have a right to know what you’re doing about it.
Don: Mac, tell your brother that I’m not talking to him and besides, the tree is my own darn business and such and he should just mind his own business.
President Powell: Geez Don, you know that tree is sort of special to the town. It’s historic and all, what with that whole witch hanging and all. Can’t you just maybe fertilize it a bit or something? At least stop the dogs from doing their business on it, maybe? Just think about it Don. Thanks. Next. Cyril?
Cyril: He he he. So our big city slicker was seduced by that Sally Mae. No surprise there. Folks thought she could have been a model if it hadn’t been for her warts. Now that they’re removed, you can see what folks mean. You don’t even notice her missing teeth until she smiles and them models don’t ever smile. He he he. Well, I can see why you’d fall for her, but that’s a dangerous business, I tell ya. Lucky you only got bit by the dog and not her, huh?
President Powell: Cyril, did you have something that you wanted to bring up? George is looking uncomfortable with this whole conversation, aren’t you George?
Cyril: Oh yeah. Almost forgot but it’s important. We need to get a newspaper and TV folks out to the place because of that light. In fact, it was Sally Mae that noticed it this morning. She was out, commuting with the dogs, like she does every morning, and it was still dark, so the light was still on out front. She looked up and saw a divine image. Even the dogs noticed it. Well, at least one or two of them, but she said she was covered in peace after seeing it. Course, I couldn’t tell, since all I saw was the dog poop, but she’s right about the picture. You can’t deny a sacred image when you see it. And this is more than just the turnip that looked like Billy Graham. This is a real sacred thing. You can see it plain as the warts on Sally Mae, right there.
President Powell: Sorry Cyril, but I haven’t seen it. What’s it a vision of? Is it the Virgin Mary? The Mayor of Huntsville is always going on about that fence post that has the Virgin’s face on it, and it would be great to have something I can throw back at him.
Cyril: Well, it’s not the Virgin Mary, but it’s definitely bigger than their fence post. It’s Jesus face, just plain as day. A plumb miracle I tell ya. Dave, do you feel blessed? You actually touched it. It’s right there, on that shield that you made. The light shines right through and you see the face of Jesus, but not the baby Jesus. This is the full grown man Jesus, but before he got all cut up with the thorns and things.
Dave: Now that you mention it Cyril, I remember that when I was punching the holes in that shield, so that the wind wouldn’t bother you anymore, I almost hit my finger, but just barely missed. Normally I would have hit my finger, so it was a miracle that I didn’t. It must have been the vision. Funny, I didn’t notice it then but I bet that’s what it was. Do you want to touch my hand? Hey Georgie-boy, maybe if you touch my hand with your banged up hand, it will be healed. I’ll let you right after the meeting. I’m sure that the full grown Jesus will forgive you for lusting after Sally Mae and heal you with his divinity through me, since I still like you and all. Don’t thank me Georgie-boy. It’s the least I can do for you, in this time of struggle that you’re going through. Maybe if you stood in the light you wouldn’t be sick so often, and need to take so many days off.
President Powell: Alright Dave. George is starting to get a little red from all the attention, lets just move on. Cyril, what do you want us to do about your divine image?
Cyril: Well, I thought maybe Dave could put one of them orange fences around, to help keep the crowds away from the yard and the dogs and all. They aren’t there yet, but once word gets around, you know it could become a frenzy. Everyone will want to bath in the light. We may have to make a new village ordinance about bathing. That is unless Mr. McConnell is going to take issue with that, too.
President Powell: Easy on George Cyril. He’s had a tough week. I’m sure that there’s nothing in the rules about people looking at holy images. Dave, can we get you to put a snow fence over by Cyril’s place? Thanks. Next? Margie Simpson, what brings you out tonight?
Margie: Hi Mac. Hi guys. I just wanted to see if I could sign up for digger machine, and it wasn’t on the bulletin board, so I thought I’d swing by and see if I can get my name on it. I asked Tina, but she just burst into tears and ran into the bathroom. Not sure what that’s about.
President Powell: Sorry Margie. Tina is still a little upset about George criticizing her design skills, but he’s used to fancy things that they do in the city. And we’re not really taking new names for the schedule just yet. Seems there might be an issue with folks borrowing the front loader for personal things or something. We’re looking into it, right Sean? Sean? John, can you wake up Sean?
Attorney Cohen: What? Oh, is it my turn?
President Powell: What did you find out about the front loader issue Sean? Remember the whole thing about that and George not being happy about folks using this or anything? Remember that?
Attorney Cohen: Oh yeah. Yeah I did look into it and it seems as though George may have hit on something. I guess there’s more to it than I thought, but yeah, the whole idea of using it for “personal” use is not allowed. We may have a loophole though, since we have to look at what “personal” really means. We lawyers like to define terms, and then we can use them the way we want. It’s a trick you learn in law school. So I’m looking into the definition of “personal.” I’ll have something for you before it gets here though.
Village Manager McConnell: Mr. Cohen, I’m not sure that “Personal use” is that murky of a definition. In my experience, it’s been pretty straightforward.
Attorney Cohen: That’s why I’m the attorney. I didn’t spend all that time at a computer, attending internet classes and paying all that money for nothing. Don’t worry old man. I’m on the case for you.
President Powell: Well good then. That will be fine. So Margie, we’ll have Tina get back to you with the openings, alright?
Margie: Sure. Thanks. Dottie, call me about the car pool schedule. I have to make sure to get the plastic on the seats before the triplets can ride in the van again. Jim got a little upset and had to have it cleaned a couple of times. It still smells a bit like old broccoli, but I assured him it would air out. Bye guys. I left the car running with the kids in it, so I have to get back out there before drive off again.
President Powell: Any other comments? No? Well, then let’s move on to Trustees. Trustee Powell, do you want to start us off?
Trustee Powell: Darn tootin’ I’d like to start it off. That’s why I asked for you to call on me first. Bad enough I had to wait for all that talkin’ about the light. I mean, Cyril, maybe the Lord Jesus wouldn’t have to go to such lengths to see you if you came to church once in a while.
Cyril: I ain’t goin’ back there after what they said about my Minnie. Everybody knows that she made those “special” Exlax brownies for the Pastor and it’s not her fault that the preschool kids got into them. It’s just another example of the incompetency with the Pastor. The brownies clearly were marked for him, but he let that harlot that works for him recklessly hand them out to the 3 and 4 year olds. Everybody knows it’s not Minnie’s fault. She’d be here herself to say it, too, except that she was worried about stirring up Mr. McConnell’s passions, after learning about his peeping Tom problem.
President Powell: Cyril, you sit back down. John, you’re not to address the public, ya hear. There’s no reason to rehash all that old stuff. It’s all like spilt milk without tears or something. Anyways, just get on with your tree concerns John.
Trustee Powell: Right, well as you all know, I’ve been watching the Old Tree and I’ve got to say that I’m really worried about it. It’s not looking healthy and I’m afraid that if we don’t take immediate action, it will be too late. We can’t have that tree while we’re in office. It won’t look right, I tell ya. Not only that, but everybody will always associate us with the tree dying. Every time someone talks about the old days, it will come up. I can’t have that hanging around me. And what about our kids? They won’t be able to show their faces in this town. No sirree, we have to take action. I asked the Sheriff, but he’s refusing to do anything because he says it’s not a police matter. So now I want to make it a law that the Georgenson’s have to do something about it. They have to get a tree doctor in here, or maybe old lady Sorel, who lives in that hut down by the interstate. Folks say she’s spirited or something, so maybe she can hold a séance with the tree. Whatever it is, we gotta do something. Can’t have that dying on us and them Georgenson’s just don’t care at all. I see ya there, scratching your nose with that cuss finger. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to say. Let the record show that he’s swearing at me with his finger. So what are we going to do, huh?
President Powell: John, we’ve talked about this and nobody is really sure how we can make a law to force Dan, here, to fertilize the tree. It’s his tree John, and so we gotta let him deal with it however he wants, but I’ll open it up for discussion. Trustee Jenson?
Public Works Jenson: Me? Do you want my opinion on it? Cuz I can take care of trees too. I can chop them down, or mulch them, which is almost like chopping them down except then you have to put them in the chipper, or I can trim them, which is like only partly cutting them down.
President Powell: No, Dave, not you. I meant your wife, Berta. Berta, do you have any questions relating to John’s issue with the tree?
Trustee Jenson: Well, if Dave is going to have to take care of this, what with chopping and trimming it and what not, he’s not going to have a lot of time to dig the pond that I want. Now I’m not one to complain, but if everyone in town is going to have Dave doing things for them, then I’m going to have to speak up about it. I mean, there’s only so much quiet a wife can be about this and I’ve waited for my pond for a long time, so I don’t want no tree coming in line before me. That’s what I have to say about it.
President Powell: I think we’re trying to avoid chopping down the tree Berta. I think John is interested in measures to try to save the tree. Do you have any comments about that?
Trustee Jenson: Well, I don’t know if it’s right for us to start going and playing God with that tree. If the Lord wants that tree to die, then maybe we should let it die. Who are we to decide what trees live and what trees die? I don’t think it’s right for us to say. I mean, what if Gods plan is to have that tree die and then we go ahead and make it better? I don’t want to live with that burden. No sirree.
President Powell: Well, if that’s the way you feel Berta, then that’s fine. Dottie, do you have anything to add? Dottie?
Trustee Gregor: Oh, I’m sorry. I was just trying to see where the triplets have gone to. I thought I saw them breaking into the old shed behind the creamery. Well, they won’t get that lock off for a while, so what were we talking about? There’s a play about God? I’m not sure that I think that’s an appropriate topic, unless it’s about the baby Jesus and the manger, but that’s usually at Christmas and I certainly am not going to support another Christmas. We’re still picking up pine needles from where the kids trampled on the tree while trying to lasso the dogs, which I told them was an outdoor activity. The last thing I need is another Christmas, so no, I’m against it.
President Powell: Dottie, it’s not a play or anything to do with Christmas. We’re talking about the Georgenson’s tree and how we can save it.
Trustee Gregor: Why does it need saving? Is someone out to get it? Maybe it deserves it. I don’t like to butt my nose into things that aren’t my business.
Trustee Powell: Dottie, for goodness sake, it’s that the tree doesn’t look good. It looks like it’s sick and those Georgenson’s will just let it die to spite me. And we can’t have that. It will ruin our reputation.
President Powell: John, I think it’s “rust our reputation” not ruin it. But in any case, Dottie, do you think we should pursue this issue? Dottie…Let the record show that we’ve been joined by Sheriff Johnson. Evening Sheriff. What can we do for you?
Sheriff Johnson: Sorry to interrupt Mac, but I’m going to need Don for a moment. One of Dottie’s triplets tried to milk one of the Georgenson’s dogs with the old equipment from the creamery. Trouble is that it’s not one of them lady dogs. Normally I wouldn’t bother you with this, but the dog won’t let anyone near him because of where they put the milking machine nozzle. Sallie Mae says that she can’t help because she can’t commute with him whilst he’s in this condition. It’s like when Old Man Newson took too many of those men pills and well..never mind, but we definitely do need Dan, if you don’t mind.
Dan Georgenson: Sorry Sheriff but I don’t know that I can leave. I’m afraid that if I go, they’ll go making it against the law for me to have a tree on my property and for all I know, they’ll even try to take the dogs and Sallie Mae. You can’t trust these political types you know.
President Powell: Dan, we’re not going to make any laws about anything tonight, so you can go rescue your dog. I promise you.
Trustee Powell: Well, if we’re not making any laws, then what’s the point of me even bringing it up? You said we should talk about it and that maybe we can do something and that I shouldn’t try to take matters into my own hands, but if we’re not doing anything, then don’t I have to take matters into my own hands? It’s for the good of the town ya know.
Dan Georgenson: Ya see, he’s a maniac about this. I tell ya, if he’s near my property, I’m going to shoot him. I got that right. All these folks, these political types, trying to take what’s mine, like all them taxes ain’t enough. First that perverted fisherman tries to oogle Sallie Mae and now that crazy brother of yours is trying to take my land away from me. If I gotta chain myself to the chair here, I’m not leaving. No siree.
Sheriff: Well, gee, Dan, you can’t chain yourself to the chair. I could just pick up the chair and still take you with me. Course, I’m too old to be picking up chairs, but I could….hold on…I gotta call here…This is the Sheriff…He did, huh? Just fainted right over huh? Well, he’s probably pretty tired. Just move him back to the kennel and you might want to make sure he’s got some food. He may be hungry when he wakes up….Okay, Dan. You’re off the hook. It seems like the dog just up and fainted right away after all that…uh…excitement. We’re just going to leave the equipment there, though, since no one wants to touch it until it dries. And Dottie, the deputy wants you to pick up the triplets, since they’re not really allowed in the police cars anymore. We just got all the upholstery cleaned again.
Trustee Gregor: Okay Sheriff. Sorry Mac but I gotta go get the triplets before they get into something. Are we done? If not, I just want to go on record that I’m against plays about God, even if it’s just the baby Jesus, and I think if someone knew that Mr. McConnell was a pervert, it should have been mentioned when we interviewed him. I’m not comfortable with another peeping Tom in town. I always say that one is enough. Now I gotta go but that’s what I wanted to say for the record.
President Powell: Thanks Dottie. Well, gee, I think all we have is George and Sean’s comments before we can adjourn the meeting. Sean, do you have anything? Sean? Sean? Ah never mind. John, wake up Sean and we’ll go straight to George for comments. George?
Village Manager: I want to start by stressing that I am in no way, shape or form a “peeping Tom”...
Cyril: Of course not - he’s a peeping George!! Hahaha...
President Powell: Cyril, don’t make me use my gavel now. If you can’t behave, I’ll have to ask you to leave. Now, go on George. We know that you’re not a pervert. I bet you heard about the still and wanted a little nip, but no matter George. You’re probably Irish and can’t help yourself. Go on...
Village Manager: I wasn’t going for a nip either. I was going over to look at the tree that Trustee Powell is concerned about.
Trustee Powell: About time you got over there McConnell. And I don’t care if it’s for the booze, so long as you saw the tree. You know what I’m talking about right? It’s not right, I tell ya.
Village Manager: I’m sorry Trustee Powell but I never saw the tree. The dogs just came flying out of everywhere, and I’m pretty sure that one of them was a wolf. When I reported the bite, I was told that I’m not the first one he’s bitten, which means that the animal is a danger to the community. I think the Trustees should take a good look at the current laws and maybe define pets as dogs, and not wolves. Also, I don’t think we should expend resources on erecting a snow fence or other barricade because someone thinks they see an image in a lampshade. There are plenty of other tasks that Public Works could be doing instead of fiddling with a fence for one or two people that get lost off the interstate. I mean seriously, how many people do you really think will stop?
Cyril: I take offense to all of that, because I think it’s against me, but I’m sure that it’s against Dan’s mutts, and they may be a lot of things, but they aren’t any different from other people’s pets. Wally has that badger and that thing can be a real menace. Mac, you can’t let him take away our pets. The next thing you know he’ll want me to get rid of my chickens, or Minnie’s goat. That’s like what Hitler did to them Jews and why they’re so mad at Jesus.
President Powell: Cyril, take the the damned high road and don’t go commenting on things. And George, really. You shouldn’t get all personal about this thing. I mean, it's not like the animal had a grudge against you. It was just protecting it’s pack and turf from a peeping, er, creeping...guy. Anyways we don’t need to punish everyone because you’re unfamiliar with how to behave around wild animals. What else do you have George?
Village Manager: Well, mark my words, that thing’s a public menace. And because of it, I wasn’t able to see the tree.
Trustee Powell: Well, geez George. You spent your whole time playing with the dogs. That’s not too professional. I thought that since you got all bent out of shape about the front loader, splitting hairs and all, that you’d be a stickler about follow-through but it looks like I was wrong. Well, if you could find your way over there tomorrow, take a look at the tree. That’s what we’re paying you for isn’t it?
Cyril: We’re paying for him to look at trees? Does he get extra for bushes? Hahahaha...
Village President: Alright Cyril, I’m not going to keep telling you. Please just sit down and be quiet. We’re almost done. If we can just get through George’s part now...George?
Village Manager: Look, I’ll get over there tomorrow, provided I can be assured those wild beasts will be contained. I’ll take a look at the tree and if it looks ill, I know an arborist that can come down for a diagnosis. And I can help the board craft an ordinance that compels private homeowners to take action on behalf of their trees or other property for the good of the community. I’ll start mapping out some of the wording or possible wording and put something in the packets for the next board meeting.
Village President: Great George. Are you done? I mean is that all? You can draw up some maps, but you really don’t need one to find the Georgensons place. I mean you were there once but I guess all that trauma could make you have that insomnia.
Village Manager: Amnesia you mean...
Village President: Well gee George, we feel awful bad for you with this amnesia thing, but there seems to be a lot of things you didn’t tell us about, regarding your health and all. You’ve been at Doc Svenson’s an awful lot. That’s okay though George, because we’re a friendly, and forgiving group and we like you. Well, I do, and I’m pretty sure that Dottie does. Peter used to and if you apologize to him at the next board meeting, I think we can get past that. The point is George, that you do whatever you need to in order to take a look at Dan’s tree and then let us know if my brother is right or if Dan is right. Okay George? Are you done now? Because it’s getting late and Sean will start snoring real soon if we don’t wrap ti up here.
Village Manager: Sigh. I have nothing more to ad.
Village President: Fine then. Meeting adjourned.
