E-mails: Nail Guns and handicap access

Date: March 10

From: Village President

To: George McConnell

Subject: Re: Nail Gun incident

George, I don’t even know what to say. Really George, I’ve never seen someone who’s more accident prone. You even beat old one-eyed Myrtle, who had that incident with a fork while eating a pot roast. We’ll surely remember to keep nail guns away from you. Sorry to hear about Cyril’s rooster, but at least it wasn’t one of the hens. He would have been real sore if he lost one of his egg layers.

Frankly, I’m not sure why you two were using a nail gun anyway. When Dave sets up those fences, I’m pretty sure he just uses a rebar and sinks it into the ground through those plastic fence holes in the orange netting. Then a few twist ties, and I think Dave collects those because he finds lots of uses, and you’re done with it. Seems like having to sink wooden poles or 2 x 2’s or whatever you used, well, it seems like that’s doing twice as much work. At least you didn’t hit the tree with the nail gun. That would have caused all kinds of commotion.

I’m glad to hear that you didn’t get hurt, aside from being attacked by the chickens. You can’t underestimate an ornery hen who realizes that her rooster has just became the family’s dinner. At least you don’t have to get another tetanus shot. Truth be said, George, as soon as I saw the subject of your e-mail, I was sure that you had shot yourself with it. Don’t worry. The peck marks will just scab over and if you don’t pick at them, you won’t even have any scars.

We do still need to get your opinion on the tree George. I hate to bring it up, but I guarantee before I get my bowling shoes on, my brother will bring it up tonight, so I really need you to go check it out and see if we need to take any action. Do you think you can avoid any injuries to yourself or anyone else this time? Our board meeting is next week, and I promise you that this will be a topic.

Oh, by the way, I heard the front loader is coming late next week or early the following, so we can have that to look forward to. And could I ask you not to touch it George? We can’t afford to have you anywhere near it. Really, George.

See you at the board meeting.

Date: March 12

From: Village President

To: Village Manager

Subject: Re: Handicap access

You’re probably right George, about the whole handicap access thing. I guess we just never had anyone who needed it until now. How about if you just come back tomorrow night for the board meeting, after you get the crutches, so we don’t have to worry about the wheelchair. I guess that’s something that we’ll have to look into, too. And you really need to take it easy on Tina. She was sobbing when she told me about how you yelled at her when she suggested making signs that said “no wheelchairs allowed.” You have to remember George, that she couldn’t tell that you were in a wheelchair over the phone. Maybe in the big city they have picture phones, but here, we just have regular talking ones, so she didn’t mean it personal. She thought it was a good solution to the fact that we don’t have anyway for handy-abled persons, (I think that’s the term) to get in. 

Well, stay off the leg, and don’t worry about anything here. We’ll make sure that someone is near the door, so they can open it up for you, when you get here tomorrow night on the crutches. In fact, maybe that’s our handicap access. Maybe we can just add it to Tina’s job description so that when a handy-abled person comes, she’ll just open the door.

Mildred has already called me to complain about her bike. I assured her that you’ll replace it for her George. It’s the least you can do, after smashing it up like you did. And no, George, I’m not really keen on opening up a whole bag of worms or anything with bringing up a pet law. Minnie’s goat is more than a pet to her. After her pet squirrel died, she was almost inconsolable until Cyril got her that goat. Most people wouldn’t turn around to face a goat that’s charging them George. If you had just kept your back to him, he would have butted you in your rear end and that would have ended it. You scared Cyril to no end. He said your voice hit such a high octave that he thought it was Minnie that was screaming. You’ll be able to walk again real soon, George.

See you tomorrow night. And don’t worry if your voice hasn’t gone back to normal yet. No one will notice it I’m sure.